Checking. Always checking. My heart feels lightheaded, my brain
buzzes with bizarre thoughts, and my stomach is flooded with a deep welling
feeling of doom. The sensation comes in waves of irrational worry and looping
thoughts colliding in the caverns of my mind.
It speaks. I must check. It builds, it beckons, it berates.
Check once
Check twice
Check three times
Keys, I see them, I feel them. Check
Wallet, I see it, I hold it. Check
Phone, I see it, I touch it. Check
Check once
Check twice
Check three times
All is calm. The waves have been quelled and the nagging pressure
inside subsides.
And I am free; out the door and onto the street.
I can hear the ding and roll of the street car grinding against the
rails. There is noisy chatter from two joggers passing by and the smell of
yeast; a thick bready smell that dampens the air as it spirals from the brewery
and stings my nose.
Down the block and past the brewery. Another door opens and I am
in the coffee shop. The sweet gritty smell of roasted, ground, dripped coffee
pulses throughout the place.
Sit, sip, relax, read. My brain is calm. The relentless repetitive inner
thoughts are abated and satisfied…at least for the time being.
Glancing at the clock it is time to go, but my feet are stuck in
place. Cemented and waiting until the urge to check has been compelled to
silence.
Check once
Check twice
Check three times
Keys, their glint catches my eye, the cool metal traces my hand. Check
Wallet, the rosy leather exterior is in view, I weigh it in my hand.
Check
Phone, the glossy apple comes into focus, I touch the cracks and
edges. Check
Check once
Check twice
Check three times
Breath, exhale, breath, exhale. Everything is in order. You are in
control. The surge of overwhelming panic is gone. And you are unrestricted from
taking a step out the door.
By Blakelee Kelley
