Compulsion Makes My Heart Feel Light Headed

Checking. Always checking. My heart feels lightheaded, my brain buzzes with bizarre thoughts, and my stomach is flooded with a deep welling feeling of doom. The sensation comes in waves of irrational worry and looping thoughts colliding in the caverns of my mind.

It speaks. I must check. It builds, it beckons, it berates.

Check once

Check twice

Check three times

Keys, I see them, I feel them. Check

Wallet, I see it, I hold it. Check

Phone, I see it, I touch it. Check

Check once

Check twice

Check three times

All is calm. The waves have been quelled and the nagging pressure inside subsides.

And I am free; out the door and onto the street.

I can hear the ding and roll of the street car grinding against the rails. There is noisy chatter from two joggers passing by and the smell of yeast; a thick bready smell that dampens the air as it spirals from the brewery and stings my nose.

Down the block and past the brewery. Another door opens and I am in the coffee shop. The sweet gritty smell of roasted, ground, dripped coffee pulses throughout the place.

Sit, sip, relax, read. My brain is calm. The relentless repetitive inner thoughts are abated and satisfied…at least for the time being.

Glancing at the clock it is time to go, but my feet are stuck in place. Cemented and waiting until the urge to check has been compelled to silence.

Check once

Check twice

Check three times

Keys, their glint catches my eye, the cool metal traces my hand. Check

Wallet, the rosy leather exterior is in view, I weigh it in my hand. Check

Phone, the glossy apple comes into focus, I touch the cracks and edges. Check

Check once

Check twice

Check three times

Breath, exhale, breath, exhale. Everything is in order. You are in control. The surge of overwhelming panic is gone. And you are unrestricted from taking a step out the door.

By Blakelee Kelley